Propping up the bar at the Winchester Club
“A V.A.T. on the slate please Dave”
Terry’s still looking for a sub.
Arthur’s onto a nice little earner
Terry’s getting agg and the chance of an hernia
Minding the disco down some boozer
Giving him a slap but he’s onto a loser
Pound to a penny that he don’t get paid
On account of the recession in the used car motor trade

(Chorus)

Terry’s piling up the Zeds
Been up on a job all night
When all of a sudden there’s an horrible scream
And somebody’s switching on the light
It’s Arthur, Y-fronts caught in his zip
Brahms & Liszt an’ he needs a place to kip
Terry gets the hump with Arthur ‘cos he
Won’t go home ‘cos of ‘Her Indoors’
“She’d kill me Terry, odds on bet
I ain’t got the bottle; Ain’t you got that kettle on yet?”

(Chorus)

Checking out his stock in the lock-up
Arthur’s havin’ a fit
“‘Ere where’s them magazines with the ‘Erbets in the leather
and the bird with a whip”
“Do what?”, says Terry, “Who rattled your cage? You ought to be ashamed – a man of your age”
“Cheap jibe, Terence. Try to understand
Got a punter coming round gonna take em off me hands
Got a part exchange, claret from Japan
A vintage year, and he does ‘em in five gallon cans”

(Chorus)

(Spoken)
He’s alright, is Arthur
So he’s got a couple of Nelson Riddles going,
Who ain’t? Don’t make you a villain, do it?
And he sells the odd dodgy motor now and then
Well, it ain’t a crime is it?
Well yeah, it’s a crime, yeah, technically
But it’s a bit under the arm the way the (inaudible)
Sit on his daily giving him GBH on the ear’ole all the time
I mean, just ‘cos he happens to have done a bit of bird for petty when he was a saucepan
He ought to do them for inflammation of character I reckon
You know what Chisholm said?
He said “I know how Arthur Daley’ll die”
I said “How’s that?”
He said “He’ll fall off the back of a lorry”
Bit strong, definitely out of order, Know what I mean?
He goes turning his drum over, looking for bent gear
Finding it, yeah, yeah, but it ain’t a crime, it well yeah it’s a crime….(fades)

I cannot find the lyrics online anywhere, probably because it’s so forgettable. But it’s going round in my head.

Checking out the bar in the Winchester club
No VAT on the sovs these days and Brian’s still looking for a sub
Arthur’s on to a nice little earner
Terry gets a slap…

Alright my son hang about leave it out
No bother as it happens it’s your shout
Straight up ? on …
The geezer with the bunny and the trilby hat
Reckons he’s legit but it ain’t all that
Arthur Daley little dodgy maybe
But underneath… ‘e’s alright

That’s all I remember.